*updated on May 24, 2019* [Originally published on February 4, 2016]
Let me just say that this is based on my personal experiences and the experiences of my friends. You CANNOT make this amount of ignorance up.)
“You’re so pretty for a black girl.”
“I bet you’re good at twerking, huh? 😉 “
“Mmmm, I love your [chocolate], [caramel], or [cocoa butter] skin!”
“Black girls have the fattest asses!”
and how can we forget:
“I’ve never been with a black girl before.”
I cannot make this stuff up, I really can’t.
NONE of these things should EVER be viewed as a compliment first of all (I used to think some of them were, unfortunately) and they should never be said. Ever. EVER.
What they say: “You’re so pretty for a black girl.”
Translation: “Black girls are not my forte and 9 times out of 10 I find them repulsive, but I’m making an exception for you! This is my backhanded way of giving you a compliment, and you should be flattered!”
What they say: “I bet you’re good at twerking, huh? ;)”
Translation: “The only thing I know about black women is what I see in the media, so I just assume ALL black women are like the ones on Maury, Worldstar, or on YouTube viral videos. I mean it’s not like you are EXACTLY LIKE any other girl LMAO, you’re black, its what you do! You saying yes to this question will fulfill my fantasy of what I think black women are.”
What they say: “Mmmm, I love your chocolate skin!”
Translation: “I sexualize black women to the point of calling them foods! I’d never tell an Asian woman how much I like her “rice-like” skin or tell a white girl how much I love her “mayonnaise complexion” but its different with you!”
What they say: “Black girls have the fattest asses!”
Translation: “I assume all black girls have the physical features of Nicki Minaj or Beyonce because it’s not like black women come in different shapes and sizes like ANY other race!”
What they say: “I’ve never been with a black girl before.”
Translation: “Black women are something I just wanna TRY to see if I ‘like it.’ I’ve heard stories about how black girls are supposed to be better in bed, and I have no issues with treating YOU as a guinea pig. I have no problem treating other human beings like options at a buffet or an unlocked character in a video game.”
Alright. So you can clearly see the types of people we’re working with here? Why are black women talked about like a sexual conquest or an accomplishment versus an actual human being? Is it too much to ask to be treated like a HUMAN and not a martian? Just because you grow up differently from someone or don’t have the same background as them doesn’t mean they’re a different species…duh.
Now people love to say they don’t see race when dating but we ALL know that’s a DAMN lie. Race is the first thing you see when you look at someone, I don’t care what you “I-don’t-see-color-I-don’t-care-if-you’re-purple-or-green-I-see-everyone-the-same” people have to say because you guys are lowkey racist anyways. Now there’s nothing wrong with seeing race first. People come in different colors, there’s nothing wrong with that, its a perfectly normal observation. The problem is when you can’t separate the PERSON from their races STEREOTYPES. We all know the stereotypes when it comes to dating, let’s be real.
(Now if you do fit ‘the stereotype’, there’s nothing wrong with that, its just people fail to see NB people of color and black people as INDIVIDUALS.)
Overly sexual (“can’t get enough”)
‘Caters to their men more’
“Easier to manipulate”
Obviously, all of those are complete BS, but we’re going to focus on the stereotypes of the black girl today, kiddies. Now, I already know (and I assume you do too) that all these stereotypes are based LOOSELY off of ‘real people’ plus whatever bits and pieces of racist agenda were thrown in, but even then people don’t know how to differentiate between the persons’ ACTUAL personality and their stereotypes. For example, just because black men are portrayed in the media as either absentee fathers or criminals DOES NOT MEAN EVERY. SINGLE. BLACK. MAN. IS. LIKE. THAT. WOW, CRAZY RIGHT? ITS ALMOST LIKE YOU USED YOUR CRITICAL THINKING SKILLS AND DIDN’T JUDGE AN ENTIRE RACE BY A TELEVISION PROGRAM!
Back to my original point, when it comes to dating, the stereotypes are ignorant and awful. Now, I’m all for having a “type” but using your “type” to diss other races and ethnicity’s or using it to be jokingly racist is ridiculous and isn’t merely a preference.
Good Examples of a Preference:
“I like girls with short hair!”
“I like guys with tattoos!”
“I like people that have brown hair!”
Bad Example of a ‘Preference’:
“Black girls are not my thing.”
“Asian guys? Yeah, no thank you.”
“Latinas are so fiery and sexy, I love ’em!
A preference is not a preference when it’s based on prejudice, sorry.
An example of how black women are the least desired woman out of all the races is OK Cupid’s surveyed data on race and attraction from 2009 through 2014 (we’ll be looking at the most recent stats from 2014) and the results came out like expected.
So basically the dark green means they responded positively or matched with said race the highest and the bright red means they either responded negatively or didn’t prefer said race. (These percentages vary from -27% being the worst to 24% being the best) Sooooooooo:
Asian men had a -20% toward black women.
Black men had a 1% toward black women.
Latino men had a -18% toward black women.
White men had -17% toward black women.
Shockingly (but not really) black women had the lowest percentages out of the women’s category. It’s difficult for me to read something like this just because I know that most of these guys aren’t basing their attractions and dislikes off of personal experience. Most of this is based on how someone would think they’d react to the stereotypical version of that person from said race. I’m not going to say race doesn’t play a factor in dating (because we ALL know it does) but its all based off of racism, anti-blackness, and blind prejudice. (And by the way, if you don’t date a certain race because of a ‘bad experience,’ please have an abundance of seats because again, you can’t judge an ENTIRE race off of people based off of ONE person.)
But anything for the pursuit of love, right?
Black women have to act like we aren’t bothered by the misogynoir (misogyny/sexism against black women) that occurs on to our faces, behind our backs, and on social media Every. Single. Day. Like we aren’t bothered by love becoming like more of an idea than a reality. Like we aren’t bothered by everyone tearing us down at every turn, calling us ghetto and ratchet then praising another woman from a different race for doing the same things we are shamed for. I can see how black women need to be strong to combat all of the misogyny and hatred that we receive from all races, including our own.
It’s not just as simple as “you haven’t found the right person” and we’re not bitter JUST because we can’t find dates. We’re upset because the ideas of white supremacy, black inferiority, and this archaic idea of white women being “the standard” makes it nearly impossible for men of ANY race to see black women WITHOUT our stereotypes. Black women are at the bottom of the ‘dating and marrying totem pole” and are treated like a disease that needs to be avoided at all costs.
You begin to realize how all of this rolls off into the dating world and its incredibly discouraging. I mean black women are so much more than our asses, our hair, or our ‘bad attitudes.’ People have trouble seeing us as human beings. I mean black women are either over-sexualized or demeaned then deemed ‘angry’ for reacting to being demeaned…I don’t understand. We’re the victims of an extremely anti-black, white supremacist society that HATES us and the system is working exceptionally well considering all the internalized self-hate that black women struggle with. I’m still working on undoing my own self-hate.
What’s crazy about me writing this is that people will write this off as me being “just another bitter black bitch” and that I should stop whining about being single, but that’s the price that comes with standing up against what so many people have been brainwashed to think. Anger is an accurate response to learning about all of this messed up crap and I refuse to be silenced any longer.